I just watched “The Fountain” and felt moved to write about it. I admit that I don’t understand a lot of it, and that’s okay. It still got me thinking and it certainly moved me to tears several times.

I think it’s a common human condition to seek out immortality. Many religions offer it in one way or another. Being famous or even to a lesser degree, having friends and family that survive us and carry on our memory is in some ways a form of life after death.

In my own life, I know that what I fear most is being alone and insignificant… not mattering to those I care about.

Why is it that even now, I am still filled with emotions when I think of you?

Why does my heart still pound with a frantic rhythm when I imagine that you think of me?

Why is that whenever something happens in my life, the first person I want to tell is you?

Is it obsession or just that you carried me away and loved me when I couldn’t even love myself?

Is it because I can’t have you, or because I have yet to meet someone as extraordinary as you?

Nothing I have tried has quenched my longing.

At the end of the day, my heart still calls out to you.

I know I haven’t written anything in a long time. It was an intentional and somewhat difficult decision I made. I’m not even sure that writing now is a good idea. But there you go. Life isn’t always made of good decisions.

Yesterday my ex-wife remarried and today is either flying or has arrived in London for a two week honeymoon. I was bitter about that if I am honest with myself, as that she and her mom both recently bought nice new cars. Now I am somewhat resigned to the fact that I am only a financial support and nothing more.

Well this year I made a batch of chocolate ganache cupcakes for St. Valentine’s Day. This used to be something I’d make when I was married, along with buying and arranging a dozen long stem roses. It seems a little silly I suppose to make cupcakes for my office, but I figure it’s good to think of others.

Okay, so I wrote something earlier today that perhaps was a bit too emotional. Upon later reflection, it’s probably not something that needs to be said. I’m just particularly emotional today and my heart longs for expression.

With that being said, I’ve removed my post the front page so that it’s not easily found, but if you are reading this and are still interested in what I have to say, you can find the moved post here.

When I first met you, I felt intoxicated by your presence. Something about the way you spoke just excited my senses. I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame and before I knew it, I was completely captivated by you.

You made my pulse rush every time I saw you and my heart felt like it was beating only for you. Every moment we shared was like reading the pages in a book you don’t want to end. Your imagination and creativity inspired me to try new things and take risks in my own life.

It’s a quarter to 5 in the morning and I had another anxious dream. My heart is still racing and I’m trying to calm down.

This last weekend with my girls was uneventful in many ways, but it just marks another point in my life where my best isn’t always good enough. It was hard to tell my girls that I may not see them very often for a while, and it was hard to tell my ex the same, even though she had heard from her mother about my difficulties. My ex told me that initially she was upset at me when she heard of my financial problems.

Well, the weekend is over and after too much time feeling sorry for myself, its time to put up or shut up.

I have been blessed with many talents and while it’s been a struggle for me to overcome my own failings, I know I have the ability to succeed. This is my life and no one is required to make things better for me other than myself.

I really don’t want to post anything negative, but I don’t have really any other way of dealing with what I’m going through at the moment. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we get smacked in the side of the face with it.

I got my W2 forms yesterday from my job and I released that they never changed my filing status to single. That may not sound like a big deal, but come tax time, it can make thousands of dollars of difference. So not only do I have to pay back federal and state taxes, I have to withhold more of my salary this year.