I really don’t want to post anything negative, but I don’t have really any other way of dealing with what I’m going through at the moment. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we get smacked in the side of the face with it.

I got my W2 forms yesterday from my job and I released that they never changed my filing status to single. That may not sound like a big deal, but come tax time, it can make thousands of dollars of difference. So not only do I have to pay back federal and state taxes, I have to withhold more of my salary this year. Not even counting what I have to pay off, I’m going lose about $1,000 more a month in taxes.

If that wasn’t enough, my poor car (which was never the best piece of American engineering) has almost 200,000 miles on it now and it’s starting to show. My fuel gauge has been broken for about two years now, it needs a lot of engine, suspension, and alignment work, and the most significant problem is that the transmission is starting to slip. I was beginning to look at new/used vehicle options, but now that’s pretty much out the window.

I’m working on my budget and to be honest, it’s pretty depressing. I need to reduce every possible expense just to pay my normal bills now, and I can’t find any way yet to put aside enough for even gas and tolls to see my girls, much less the cost of the hotel. I don’t know what to tell my ex, but it looks like I’m not going to be able to take the girls until after she is married and I’ll have more money.

I dunno… I know I’ll get through this and it’s just for a few months. It’s just that my heart feels so weary and broken. No matter how I try to move one, some things just don’t go away. What do you tell yourself when you need someone but you know that you’re not right for them? When just a smile or a kind word would make your day but you only have memories to sustain you?

I feel so fucked up that I’m not good for anyone. When I can’t take care of those that I care about, it’s hard for me to feel good about life. I know that there is much to appreciate, but again, I want so badly to love and be loved that at times it keeps me from letting the beauty of life come in.

When it comes down to it, I’ll survive. I never give up, even when it hurts so bad I can barely cope. I can’t change some things, and that’s just life. The best I can do is learn to accept things and let go of my pain as best I can. Right now, I think I need to do some running and try to work through my anxiety. In the meantime, I wish you all the best and wish I could give you more encouragement.

Love, Geoff

P.S I ran 5 miles in the bitter cold. I think it helped a bit. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel like a failure either. I got an email shortly afterwards from my ex mother-in-law because I posted on Facebook how I may not be able to see my girls for a while. I don’t think she understands exactly how bad my situation is. Ah well… I *know* I need to see my girls as often as possible. It just may not be possible for a while. And I’m not upset with anyone and no one is to blame except possibly myself for not catching this sooner.