I just watched “The Fountain” and felt moved to write about it. I admit that I don’t understand a lot of it, and that’s okay. It still got me thinking and it certainly moved me to tears several times.

I think it’s a common human condition to seek out immortality. Many religions offer it in one way or another. Being famous or even to a lesser degree, having friends and family that survive us and carry on our memory is in some ways a form of life after death.

In my own life, I know that what I fear most is being alone and insignificant… not mattering to those I care about. I know it’s silly in some ways because I have my family… my girls and my sister and father that love and care about me. But what I long for is for someone who truly knows me, the good and bad in me, and who loves me despite my failings.

Everyone that has really known me, I have let down in some way. It’s something I truly wish I could fix, but moving on is the only choice I’ve been given. I suppose that like the movie, I carry with me the hope of resurrecting a love that at times haunts my memories. But the chance of that actually happening I would liken to attaining enlightenment and visiting Xibalba.

I don’t mean to sound negative… I’ve just accepted that I may be destined for a more humble life. I’ve moved back to Michigan to be closer to my girls, giving up several very generous job offers to make half what I could elsewhere. It’s fine though because I am learning to be stronger with less. I don’t need money or to be in a relationship to be okay. Right now, I have the opportunity to be a father to my girls, and that is a precious gift that I intend to cherish and appreciate each moment I have.

I don’t really want to seek immortality through my children. I just want them to know both now and when I’m gone that they are loved. I wish I could share my love to others, but like I said, I’m trying to live humbly and remind myself to accept how things are. I’m not better than anyone else and I’m not going to live forever. Being okay with my own insignificance for me is in some ways like accepting death. Because if death is the road to awe, then humility prepares you for awe in life. And perhaps that’s one more reason I love my girls so much… they are so easily amazed…