It’s a quarter to 5 in the morning and I had another anxious dream. My heart is still racing and I’m trying to calm down.

This last weekend with my girls was uneventful in many ways, but it just marks another point in my life where my best isn’t always good enough. It was hard to tell my girls that I may not see them very often for a while, and it was hard to tell my ex the same, even though she had heard from her mother about my difficulties. My ex told me that initially she was upset at me when she heard of my financial problems. She apparently had time to cool down because when I spoke with her, she didn’t berate me and instead told me how Matt’s parents divorced when he was young and how he doesn’t remember clearly the time his dad couldn’t see him. And while she didn’t offer to take less money from me, she told me that for Christine’s birthday, she would come up with up to $150 for me to see her. She also told me that she was afraid that I’d either find a girl in Ohio that didn’t want me to see my girls or that I’d not have the money myself to see them. I didn’t say it, but it’s sad to think how little she knows me.

It’s a bit hard for me to write, as I feel that the one person who still means the most to me has moved on. That may sound odd or even egotistical, but somehow, it was something inside myself I had a hard time accepting. I realize that I still have a long way to go before I’d consider myself healthy, and that I’m probably not the kind of guy that any girl should have a relationship with for a while. I think I’ve changed in some ways, and I don’t know if all of them are good. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I’d never be one of those guys who would just use girls and walk away, but I kinda feel like that’s how I am now. I have no emotional desire to become dependent on anyone else. And there are girls that I like and would like to be in a relationship with, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s just for the physical aspects. There still is only one girl that I would be willing to offer myself completely to, body and soul, and she’s not available. And I don’t see that ever changing, to be honest. But like a fool, I had been hoping that somehow things might one day work out.

I don’t think of myself as a very complex guy, but I’ve been told by more than one person that I have many layers and that I put people into boxes depending on how much I let them in. I suppose it’s true, as I’ve been working hard on keeping certain lines and boundaries from being crossed. And I can count almost on one finger the number of people that have access to the deepest parts of me. Part of it is that I trust people less to really get to know me, and part of it is that I don’t want to share the part of me that needs… the part that cries and wakes me up at night… the part that clings on to the hope of someone past the point of all rational conclusions.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that in some ways, I’m forcing myself to move on as well. I don’t know how long it will take, and it’s been about a year so far already. Nothing feels different, except that the constant reminder my situation has been like the slow dripping of water that eventually wears away the stone.

I may not have the opportunity to say this for much longer, and for what it’s worth, know that it was worth it. That loving you was worth it. Despite all that has happened and all that I wish would have been possible, I am a better man for loving and being loved by you. And the best we can hope from love is to be changed by it, so I can say that it was real and lives on despite the circumstances. So regardless of the future, know that you have forever engraved your mark on my heart and that will never be forgotten.

—Geoff

P.S. Sometimes it seems like ships crossing in the night when you think of someone and find out later they were thinking of you. I don’t know what to make of it, except that it still proves that life is as much about timing as it is opportunity. I’ll be quiet now, as voicing any more would just make things harder.